On Apologies and Apologizing

Our initial experience of apologizing when we are children is usually done as appeasement to a demand, and/or as a means to avoid “punishment,” an undesired reaction. Over time it becomes a tool which may lessen the severity of reactions caused by actions, intended or not. For some, it may also become a strategy of avoiding responsibility, and denial that their actions affected someone negatively, while serving them positively. We learn that the apology provides a sort of ritualistic closure to an event. You did something, an apology was demanded, if you apologized that would be the end of said event, until another situation would arise which would require an apology. The other option of not providing an apology would have escalated the situation and caused the reaction grow more severe.

As we shifted into adulthood, the apology, in some cases, was no longer sufficient. Some actions were met with unplanned consequences. As author and pioneer in the fields of codependency and childhood based emotional trauma and dysregulation, Pia Mellody says, “You can choose your behavior, the world chooses your consequences.”

The manner in which we interact with this world is based largely on our interactions with our family unit. This world that "chooses your consequences" contains within it natural law and order, complete with actions and reactions, though not always as immediate as the reactions we faced as children. Consequently, apologies may lose their sense of meaning and function.

When we seek an apology as the aggrieved party, one of the things we may be seeking is an acknowledgement that something was done to us which caused a disruption in our system and dynamics, and ultimately shifted the balance of power away from us.  An apology may restore that balance. It may also show the aggrieved party that responsibility has been taken, and that the specific action will not be repeated. This shows us the power of the spoken word. Of course, if it is repeated over time, the apology will lose its previous power to restore balance. This may be the reason that we rely so much on the apology. It fulfills the need to be able to trust that the action which has caused a rift and imbalanced the system won’t be repeated, and that the person who took those actions has become aware of their ramifications. Demonstrating that the apology brings closure to an incident, restores the power dynamic, and brings together the powers of the spoken word, intention, and action. Apologizing, is not just about  “being nice” or “doing the right thing,” as a matter of etiquette, it is an imperative, as a way of correcting a violation, and restoring balance.

Caroline Myss, a medical intuitive speaks about the energetics of hurting someone and apologizing for it, or in her words, “asking for forgiveness.” When we hurt someone especially when it’s deliberate, that is, “I know that what I’m going to do is going to benefit me and cause you pain, and I’m going to do it anyway,” it creates an energetic wound, I believe she even describes this as “sinning.” The run of the mill apology won’t heal that wound. It has to be very direct, and done with the awareness and responsibility of “I know what I did, I knew it would hurt you, and I did it anyway.” In that, there can be an energetic shift which can contribute to a restoration of trust. It is similar to the concept of making amends, step 9 of the Alcoholics Anonymous AA 12 Steps. This is indeed different to the reflexive egoic “I’m apologizing because I’m expected to, but I get to remain blissfully unaware of the effects of my action(s).” There is a great transformative ability when we bring ourselves to a point where we recognize that within us there is the capacity to hurt someone deliberately. That realization can be the starting point towards looking at the part of ourselves that acts in this manner. It can also lead to shedding the defense mechanisms that try to protect us from the shadow part which keeps us locked in repeating patterns, and unaware of the damage it is causing to others, and to ourselves.

Related to this, from the stance of the aggrieved party, is an interesting exercise utilizing Byron Katie’s The Work to meditate on a situation in which you’re “needing” an apology from someone.

It begins with asking, “Is it true?”